Proud people bring sorrow upon themselves
Monday, October 15, 2007
Letter to a friend
Mon cher ami, ever since I had known you, I felt strong, I felt energetic, I felt young. I thanked you for delivering me from the dread which possessed me for as long as I could remember. I breathed more deeply, slept more soundly, ate more heartily, freed from this weight. In return, I told you everything, for you loved to hear me. And I came to know how to make you laugh, it was an amusement and a diversion for you to hear me rattled on. I felt there was not enough time to show you the many facets of myself. We talked about all subjects under the sun. We discussed the merits, the pro and cons of western or Islamic civilizations, Darwinism, Bush administration and even the Taliban. We reflected upon our relationship and the fate that brought us together. My attitudes in general seemed to have undergone a change for the better, making me less sharp, more receptive. I felt myself sliding deliciously downwards into a miasma of kindliness. I found amusement in my daily routine, genuinely fascinated in human banality and oddness. I thought we were making progress towards a new kind of friendship. Yet now we barely talked, we became strangers to each other. We had become so civilized, so controlled, so expert in our concealment that we did not allow to reveal anything about ourselves and each other anymore. After so long, after so many transparent years, we had grown opaque to each other. I was aware, for the first time, you were an emotionally barren phenomenon, an unexpected visitor to my own life. You had stay true to your nature which I secretly admired and envied. With all the sharing and openness, you were still locked up securely in your own private world, allowing me no access. You had the ability to stagger on through a life exaggeratedly devoid of normal happiness, destined to be alone. The world had grown colder since we went our separate ways. I had become shrewd and watchful, mistrusting others, paying less attention to their words than the words they were not voicing. I also became wary, fearful and disbelieving. It took me awhile but now I understood that our paths were not meant to cross but to stay parallel..